Meant For Me
by Sathaeri
Summary: Kaidan once again becomes a part of Shepard's team. But the last time they saw each other, he broke her heart. Has she forgiven him or has she moved on? The newest human Spectre dares to find out. FemShep/Kaidan oneshot. Probably not canon.


Joker took a quick doubletake behind him. "Kaidan!" he said incredulously. "Wow, _you're_ here?"

"Thanks so much for the nice greeting," Kaidan deadpanned.

"I'm just... surprised, I guess."

Kaidan gave a small grin. "I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to see you again, Joker."

"And you're a Spectre now, too. Man, never imagined we'd have two Spectres on board. Our badass factor just doubled, I think."

Kaidan chuckled. "If anything boosted our 'badass factor' that much, it would definitely be Shepard." He glanced around almost hesitantly. "Is she around?"

"Last I saw, she was with Doctor Chakwas. She–"

"Doctor Chakwas is on this ship too?" Kaidan looked awestruck and drew out a long "wooooow."

"Yeah. As I was saying, before I was so _rudely _interrupted..." He used the pause to give Kaidan a glare. "...she was having some trouble sleeping, so she went to see if there were some meds she could take."

Kaidan felt his stomach turn with guilt. For all he knew, she could be sleepless because of him, of his rejection of her. _But that's silly and a little selfish_, he reminded himself. She could have just as well moved on. At that thought, his heart sank.

"Hey. Hellooo? Um... Kaidan?"

Kaidan blinked. "Uh. What?"

"You fantasizing about Shepard again?"

He blinked again and then smirked. "If you didn't have such brittle bones, I would punch you right about now."

"Yep, I'm still the smartass you remember me to be," Joker said, beaming.

"Not sure whether that's actually a good thing," said Kaidan, "but personally I'm glad to see that defeating the Collectors hasn't changed you."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's not get mushy and sentimental here." Joker turned back around.

Kaidan began to walk across the bridge. "I'm gonna go see if I can find Shepard."

"One more thing." Joker poked his head out from behind the seat. "She looked really hurt after Horizon. I'd... be careful."

Guilt washed over him again. "Thanks for the heads-up, Joker."

The new Normandy was much more spacey than the old one. Cerberus was bad in name but this was beyond expectations. There was more cutting-edge tech here than anywhere else he'd ever known. That and the additional machinery supplied from the Alliance set the Normandy SR-2 at the forefront of the next generation of space-faring reconnaissance starships.

He inspected the pad in the elevator. The medical bay was on the third floor, so surely Chakwas was there. What interested him the most was that Shepard had one floor all to herself at the top of the ship. He wanted to press the button for the first floor, but stopped. If that floor was entirely hers, wouldn't he be barging in without warning? If Shepard was angry at him, she'd definitely be in a blind rage if he showed up like that. _Better play it safe_, he decided, and pressed the third button.

The elevator ride didn't take forever like he expected. _More than tech, Cerberus definitely improved the elevators_, he thought. The door slid open. Kaidan froze.

Garrus stared back at him. "Kaidan," he said politely. "I didn't know you got here already."

"Just did, actually," Kaidan answered. "How's it been?"

The turian nodded. "Everything's good. Well, unless you count the fact that the Reapers are coming to destroy us all... I figure we can take a little break for now. The crew deserves it."

"Great. And..." He cleared his throat. "How's Shepard?"

"She says she's fine." Garrus sighed. "But underneath that, I can tell she's... tired. Very tired."

"Tired? You mean physical, or mental–"

"Kaidan, it's both." He glanced away for a second. "She was just some orphan living in the slums on Earth; now she's the hero of the entire galaxy and more. Living with that kind of pressure is never going to be easy."

Kaidan looked down. "Yeah. I see your point."

"If anything, _you_ should talk to her."

He stiffened. "Why me?"

"She trusts you the most out of everyone in her crew, new and old. And if you don't lend her a shoulder to lean on, she could collapse from the inside out. We can't let her crumble, not when there's so much at stake."

"You're right, Garrus." Kaidan nodded. "I'd better get going."

"Glad to have you back." The turian stepped into the elevator and gave a short nod before the doors closed.

The med bay wasn't difficult to locate. The lights bothered him, though. Bright mint green on the shiny white floor disoriented his vision for a moment.

"Kaidan?" The doctor stood when she saw him. "It's you, isn't it? It's really you!"

"Yes, ma'am, it's me." Kaidan smiled.

She gave him a small hug. "Oh, I've missed you."

"You have?"

"Of course. Soldiers, they have a way of growing on you." She chuckled. "Mostly Shepard, of course."

Kaidan scratched his head. "How is she, by the way?"

"She's fine in the technical sense. Physically and emotionally she'd be in good shape, but she's been having nightmares, so sleep deprivation is her number one issue."

"Nightmares?" He frowned. "Did she say of what?"

"It's not about the vision from the beacon anymore." She laughed curtly. "Oh, I remember those days. It seems like so long ago."

Kaidan simply nodded and waited for her to continue.

"Oh, right. Where was I... ah, yes. It's mostly about... dying." Chakwas sighed. "She died, she honest-to-goodness died. And then Cerberus brought her back to life. She's lived a life none of us could dream to live. And she always has to be strong, even when others aren't." She closed her eyes. "Being a leader is a difficult job. Shepard's a natural, but there's a lot of pressure on her now. These dreams of dying aren't helping."

"Where is she now? Do you know?"

"I gave her some sleeping pills and sent her to bed about two hours ago." Doctor Chakwas laughed again. "Oh, my. I must sound like quite the parent."

"First level?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes. You know," she added, "one of those pills would knock a person out cold for nearly five hours. But knowing Shepard's system, it will probably only last for two. Which means she's likely to wake up anytime now." She gave him a sideways glance. "Were you going to check on her?"

"Yes! I mean, uh, yeah, I was going to see her. I-if there was time," he sputtered.

The doctor smiled warmly. "Go on ahead, Kaidan. I'm sure she won't mind."

"She won't?"

"Of course not." She turned back to her computer. "You'll see."

As the doors of the med bay closed behind him, he felt a pain rise in his skull. "Dammit," he muttered, punching the pad for the elevator. "Not now, not now..."

The doors opened. Kaidan walked in and ran into a rock.

The rock laughed.

"Kaidan!" a young female voice said. "Are you all right?"

He looked up despite the pain. A purple helmet, shining eyes, the telltale accent...

"Tali?" he asked.

"Yeah!" She helped him up. I didn't know you were here already."

"You think a new member of the team would receive more attention," he said, groaning.

"Migraine?" she asked sympathetically.

"Yeah... whose the rock?"

"The _what?_" The quarian sounded absolutely confused.

"The rock. The thing I bumped into."

"Oh!" She laughed. "That's just Grunt. A krogan."

Grunt chuckled. "A rock, am I? Guess I kind of look like one. Never figured that would ever have come up around a _normal_ person."

"Very funny," Kaidan said, wincing as another jolt of pain shot through him.

"You okay?" Tali asked again.

"I'll be fine. Just need to... Shepard..."

"Shepard's cabin?"

He nodded. His vision seemed hazy.

"You don't want to stay and have Doctor Chakwas take care of you?"

He shook his head.

"Well, if you say so. I'll send the elevator up for you. I have to stay down here and get something to eat."

"I want to eat worms," Grunt declared.

"Grunt!" Tali shook her head and pressed the button for the loft, leaping out quickly. "See you, Kaidan!"

The upward lurch of the elevator wasn't making things any better. Part of him regretted saying no to going in for something from Chakwas, but he had to see Shepard.

The doors opened. He stumbled out, seeing the door to the loft. His hand went out to knock, but he leaned too far and started to fall, so he ended up pressing the door pad and it opened just fast enough for him to fall hard right onto the floor of her room.

He glanced up in alert despite the pain. It was dark, save for the soft blue light emanating from the aquarium and a small lamp on her cluttered desk. Quiet twenty-first century music was playing over on the far side of the room. He breathed in. Even the air smelled like her.

He stood up tentatively and walked to the desk. She was busy, that was obvious. He wished the galaxy's fate resting on her shoulders didn't give her so much of a burden as it did, but she was truly their only hope.

Out of the corner of his eye, something flickered.

He picked up the frame. It was a picture of him there. _A picture... of me?_

He remembered something she had said before. She'd laughed and said there was an old Earth saying she knew, that a picture holds a thousand words. _Every picture, no matter how simple, has a message, a secret_, she'd whispered. _You look at it, and you just... have to figure it out, you know?_

Kaidan looked at the picture. Well, it was here. That was what boggled his mind the most. If it was here, if it was intact, then–

Then she still loved him.

He shook his head. After all he'd done to her, she still loved him? Even he was mad at himself for saying the things he'd said to her. If she really forgave him then he needed to know firsthand.

The migraine he had earlier seemingly vanished. He crept down the stairs to the still figure lying on the bed.

Even in the dim light he could still make out that she was beautiful. Her hair was sprawled on the pillow and she was breathing evenly. She was like a goddess. Kaidan leaned in a little closer. Her breaths felt soft on his face, and he smiled. In the peace of sleep, even the weight on the world could not harm her. And no matter what happened, he would not let anything else hurt her either.

Suddenly her eyes fluttered open and he froze. Dear god. What was she going to think of him now that she had woken up with him hovering over her?

To his relief she simply eyed him curiously. It was hard to see, but Kaidan was pretty sure her eyes were still glazed over. _Sleepwalking, maybe? That's a stretch, even for h–_

Before he could finish his thoughts, Shepard's hand rose up to his shoulder and pulled him towards her. Their lips locked.

Kaidan was bombarded with both happiness and horror. Kissing her after what seemed like forever... there was no better feeling. But it didn't prove she loved him, or liked him, even. She could still be sleeping, or sleepwalking. But passion overwhelmed him, and he held her close, savoring the taste of her lips.

At last, she pushed him away and cupped his face in her hand, stroking his cheekbones. She smiled.

Kaidan blinked rapidly. Focus, he told himself. Focus. "Err... Shepard," he greeted awkwardly.

She giggled. "Huh. That's funny," she murmured.

Kaidan frowned slightly. "What is?"

"Doctor Chakwas... she told me I wouldn't dream if I took the sleeping pill," she said.

Her meaning hit him like a bullet. "Shepard, I'm not..."

"If this is a dream," she said, pulling him close, "then I don't want it to end, ever..."

Kaidan glanced around, thinking hard. Dreams were connected to one's very being, Ashley had said to him once, and if Shepard was saying this, then it could mean that she was still in love with him. _If that's true... I hope it's true. I hope–_

"Wait."

There was more authority in her voice now, more awareness. Her grip loosened and he pulled back. _Oh crap_, he thought. _I'm really gonna get it now._

"Kaidan?" she breathed.

"Uh..." He gave her a short wave. "Hiya."

She felt his hair, his face. "It's really you, isn't it? It's not a dream?"

"No," Kaidan chuckled, "I'm not a dream. I'm real." He pounded his chest once as if to make the point.

Shepard gazed at him. "But... you hate me."

"What? Of course I don't!" He scoffed. "How could I hate you? Didn't you get my message?" She blankly shook her head and he sighed. "To be honest, I thought you hated me. For what I said and did to you... you have no idea what you put me through. You were dead, and then Cerberus, and now..."

"You're here," she whispered.

"I'm sorry." He gave her a weak smile. "I'm sorry I hurt you... I promise I won't let you go. Not ever."

She sighed and held him closer in the darkness. "I love you, Kaidan."

Finally, he knew this for certain.

**~o~O~o~**

_Sometimes I feel frozen and the words I say  
><em>_You carry my breath the wrong way  
><em>_But then when I touch you and I disappear  
><em>_Safe in your arms you take me_

_And if you feel my love  
><em>_Just let it show  
><em>_And if you want my heart  
><em>_Just let me know_

_'Cause you were meant for me_

**_– Meant For Me by Chrissy Chase_**

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:**__ Reading that last part while listening to that song made me cry... maybe YOU should try it! Link to the song on my profile ;)_

_Anyway this is a oneshot I wrote after wondering what Kaidan would think if he went into Shepard's room and saw she still had a picture of him. This would probably never happen in ME3 but if it fits anywhere into the story, it would be at the beginning. I guess._

_The title was originally "A Thousand Words" but "Meant For Me" makes me feel happier._

_As always, thank you for taking the time to read this. Feel free to review if you like. Constructive criticism is appreciated! Bashing is... just not nice._

_Thank you for reading. Have a pleasant day._


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